My Truth



I am a victim or shall I say a survivor of child sexual abuse.

I believe it started before I was 5 and it happened numerous times by a number of people. I don't want to get into too much detail as I don't want to trigger anyone. Being abused has had an huge affect on my life in regards to my mental health, relationships and self esteem.

Being black, being African, being me, I don't really see anyone like me opening up about child abuse or mental health. I'm sure I'm not the only one but sometimes I feel like it.

I've been told in order to overcome I have to forget and put everything behind me. However, I always feel like I am then I feel a hole in my heart that I can't explain, that occurs randomly.

Though I was abused I wouldn't say I had a bad child hood. If you looked at me you'd never think I was experiencing the horrible things I went through. I guess it happened so many times I believed this is what people do when they love you. I read a lot about child abuse, the perpetrators and victims. I never really know how to feel when taking in all the information as I just don't understand.

As I write this I hurt but I hope I can continue to talk about this as I don't want to feel trapped, or ashamed. I have spent the majority of my life feeling guilty for things I did not ask for, I see the people who hurt me living their lives. Treating me as though nothing has ever happened. It's crazy. If they can live their lives freely, why can't I?

This is my truth and I want to live in it.

- Jacq

Comments

  1. Well done for having the courage to speak it out, I pray for your recovery to be swift and be blessed with everlasting peace. You said "This is my truth and I want to live in it", it kinda sounds like you're letting the past become your story (from this perspective) but what does that mean to you?

    When say & visualise a "free life" for you (which will soon come) describe what it looks like and what you must do to make it possible?

    It sounds like the advice of forgetting it is not working. "When it is obvious that your goals can't be reached, don't adjust your goals adjust your action steps." - Confucius

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading.

      My past is my story as it has shaped everything in my life, from who I am to the career I wish to go into. I do not want to be ashamed of what happened to me and I also do not want to be controlled by it. Instead I wish to use it to motivate me and to encourage others.

      The advice of forgetting doesn't work as you simply can't forget. I think the advice that should be encouraged is to not let the past make you feel victimised. Though I stated at the beginning I am a victim I do not feel victimised, I acknowledge this happened to me and I want to use my story to relate to others.

      Thank you for your advice and I will definitely take it on board xxx

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    2. I think its truly amazing how you have overturned and found a way to use these events to your advantage. It is a shame that in the black community such events are usually kept quiet or unsolved leading them to manifest into things far much worse.Your journey of self discovery and development is inspiring. If you don't mind me asking what is the career you wish to go into?

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