DIARY OF A LOST GIRL

Last year I opened up for the first time about my suicide attempt a few years ago. Shortly after posting this video I attempted to commit suicide 2-3 times. I originally started making YouTube videos as a way to avoid thinking about my problems. This wasn't a good idea as I became extremely obsessed with finding ways to avoid thinking about my feelings. Once I had nothing to run to I became extremely depressed and hit rock bottom. I've never been someone to open up about my feelings which is usually why I go downhill so fast. I found that this video helped everyone but me.

I came up with a series on my channel called 'No Secrets' the series included personal stories about things I have experienced with mental health and also experiences which have caused me great pain. I decided to do this series as a way to help both me and others. Being someone who is so private it is so easy to let everything bottle up inside and I did not want to do that anymore. Some might ask w…

So today has been quite an upsetting day, I was supposed to get paid from work today however that never happened. My work place has also given me no response as to why I haven't been paid leaving me to feel very hopeless and frightened. Unable to pay my rent, buy groceries or pay my bills, I'm genuinely praying for a miracle.

Having anxiety makes situations like this very nerve wrecking, I went from being unable to sleep to feeling as though my mind and my body were in two different realms. Have you ever been in this situation before?

I have spent my whole entire day informing my landlord I won't be able to pay rent, chasing up my managers and also wanting to jumps out of a window. As you can tell I don't handle things very well. I am someone who truly enjoys planning and structure so when things don't go to plan I don't know how to handle myself or life. I really don't know what to do but I'm believing in God and I am praying he will make the imposs…

I am a victim or shall I say a survivor of child sexual abuse.

I believe it started before I was 5 and it happened numerous times by a number of people. I don't want to get into too much detail as I don't want to trigger anyone. Being abused has had an huge affect on my life in regards to my mental health, relationships and self esteem.

Being black, being African, being me, I don't really see anyone like me opening up about child abuse or mental health. I'm sure I'm not the only one but sometimes I feel like it.

I've been told in order to overcome I have to forget and put everything behind me. However, I always feel like I am then I feel a hole in my heart that I can't explain, that occurs randomly.

Though I was abused I wouldn't say I had a bad child hood. If you looked at me you'd never think I was experiencing the horrible things I went through. I guess it happened so many times I believed this is what people do when they love you. I read a lot …

Yesterday was an amazing day I was very happy and I kept getting good news all day. However, I've noticed that today I woke up feeling emotionless. I'm not sad or happy I'm just me.

Does anyone feel like this after being happy? I feel like I'm unable to process the emotions that have been felt for the past few hours and that's crazy. I guess I've always been this way.

I hate feeling like I don't have any control over my emotions. I feel like I'm not in control of my self and that doesn't sit right with me. The mind is very powerful.

Nonetheless, I have had a productive day. I did laundry, cleaned my room and the flat and made sure I ate.

- Jacq

Today has been a good day. I didn't start off exactly how I wanted but I picked myself up and completed everything I wanted to do.

Also I know I said I wouldn't check my results but I checked one and I did very well thank God! I truly believe I am a loving testimony. So many things have happened that should've discouraged me from achieving but God has truly brought me through it all and made me stronger. I am truly grateful and amazed.

I listened to a TD JAKE'S sermon a few days ago and it really made me realize my worth and know I am gifted. If you're going through a hard time right now and it feels like you've been in this position for too long, you're starting to give up and question what is the point please don't give up. You're worth so much.

Tomorrow is a new day.

- Jacq

My apologies to everyone who hates spiders, however, I hope you cringed a little when seeing the pictures as it is the reaction I wanted.

I don't know if it's normal but I have a whole lot of fears, I'm scared of cats, I have trypophobia (I believe that is how it's spelt), scared of flying, I used to be scared of travelling alone but I overcame that fear on my 20th birthday which was two years ago. I have attempted to overcome my fear of cats numerous times but lort, the struggle is real. If you're scared of cats please let me know cause everyone around me doesn't understand my fear.

Anyways getting to the point of my post, I fear life itself . I've had many opportunities to do something really amazing but because I was scared of the unknown I decided not to partake. My anxiety often interferes in my day to day life, from calling in sick at work because of scared to leave the house to not saying hi to someone because I'm not sure if they care for my e…

My mum always talks about how it is important to have self control but what the hell does that even mean. All I know is if I see a table full of goodies I'm going to eat them lool. #Sorrynotsorry.

Jokes aside, self control is vital in all aspects of life not just food. It's necessary to have self control in regards to your emotions, actions and overall lifestyle. Self control is deciding you aren't going to watch another episode of friends as its 3am and you have work in the morning.

I can honestly say I don't really have self control. I never know when to stop eating, binge watching or just not be overly emotional towards someone else. I'm not too sure what steps to take towards working on this but I'm sure acceptance is the first step.

If you have any tips, let me know. Thanks.

- Jacq

Maintaining friendships and romantic relationships can be very difficult for those without mental health issues and especially us with mental health issues.
Sometimes we do things that may hurt others but at the time we do not realise. Something we all do is either intentionally or unknowingly pushing people away. I know I do both. Pushing people away used to be a coping mechanism for me as I saw it as if you aren't close to me I can't hurt you and you can never hurt me.
However in the process I end up getting hurt and hurting the other person. So what was the point? Everything always comes down to communication. Growing up I was the worst at communicating, I still think I'm kind of bad. I don't like opening up to people or admitting that I'm scared of getting hurt. I always had my walls up and was ready to attack anytime I felt victimised. Now that I'm older I've distanced myself from friends a lot as I've found not all are sensitive to my anxiety. N…

I wouldn't say my biggest fear is failure as I understand it's apart of life and is necessary in order to grow and be better. How you deal with failure is important. Many of us when we fail we run away and give up. Instead we should be accepting our failure head on and trying again. Sometimes before we fail life gives us signs that what we're doing isn't a good choice, I know I ignore these signs as I'm someone who is very stubborn. Let's not fear failure but be motivated by it, let us strive to be able and to not feel how we did when we failed. - Jacq

Guys today has been hectic, I've been everywhere and anywhere! finally being able to sit down, relax and eat is truly the highlight of my day... sad yes I know. I have definitely had a better day than yesterday thank God!

I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2018, I'm claiming nothing but joy, success and victory this year! I can't wait to share the good news once I've gotten it lool.

Are you expecting anything this year?

Also, my first batch of assignment grades come out this week, nerve-wracking? I think so. I've decided this year I won't look at any of my results until the end of the academic year (We'll see how long that lasts). I'm excited yet nervous about my work being marked but I'm grateful to even have this love-hate feeling towards it. Do you guys think I should view my grades now or later? Let me know!

- Jacq

So it's five o clock and I'm not feeling as crappy as I was before. I decided to get out of bed, stop being sorry for myself and do something with my day.

Guess it was just a bad morning? I dunno but I'm glad I allowed myself to go through the motions. Usually, I'd put on a show and act as though everything was fine which usually led to me not being able to sleep at night because I was so emotional and then three-hour cry-along begins. It really is ok to not be ok, the most important thing is not to dwell on whatever you're going through for too long. At some point, you have to pick yourself up and tell yourself you're stronger than this!

Our minds are very powerful so it is vital that we learn to take control and not let the negative thoughts/voices convince us that we are weak! If you've had or are currently having a bad day, I hope your day eventually gets better.

- Jacq

I've woke up today not really in the best of moods and feeling quite fed up.

There's a lot of things I am praying and hoping for in 2018. I guess sometimes things just feel as though they aren't going to work out the way you want them to. Like maybe there's no action behind the words. 
I don't even know if this makes any sense to anyone but I feel very discouraged. I just want to curl up and call it a day. I don't think I've got much fight left in me. My heart hurts so bad. 
I'm wishing for better days, praying for courage but everything looks so hopeless. How can I believe in better days if all I keep seeing is hurt, pain and suffering? How?
I'm sorry this isn't an inspirational post. I just need to voice how I'm feeling in this moment. 
- Jacq

Over the Christmas period, I started to get a rash so bad that at first, it looked like hives. I have never had anything like this before so I was extremely worried. I first assumed it was an allergic reaction until a pharmacist informed me it was eczema. This shocked me as I don't have eczema and I have never had eczema before. For two weeks I was unable to get an appointment with my GP, it drove me crazy, I started googling everything I could find out about eczema and ways to treat it. The only thing that actually worked for me was coconut oil.

Eventually, I got an appointment with the GP and was told I didn't have eczema and in fact, it was just body acne. This conclusion still makes no sense as my rash looked nothing like body acne but nonetheless, the prescription the GP gave me has been working so far. So if any of my readers currently suffer from any form of acne I recommend talking to your GP about Duac cream.

Anyways, finally getting to the point of this post. I am n…

Am I the only student who doesn't know what to do with themselves once they've completed all their assignments? Assignments are out of the way and I feel like a lost soul.

University starts again on Monday, round two of second-year *ding ding ding*. Going back to university definitely feels like stepping into the ring blindly. You never know if it's going to kick your ass or how long you'll be in the ring for. I'm counting down the days until graduation, I want to look so cute in my cap and gown.. yes these are my priorities do not judge me.

Recently my heart hasn't been in university, my confidence in my abilities are no longer there and I'm scared I'll disappoint my family and myself. I constantly pray for better understanding and wisdom and I know God has really been with me throughout this journey so I just have to keep believing he won't leave me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your G…