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Trying to figure it all out

I never know what to write anymore because really I have no words for the emotions I feel
Recent posts

Mysterious Pain

Every night I cry, I cry so hard but I don't know why

I know I'm sad, I know I'm hurt but I cant seem to put into word why I feel this way

What exactly is the cause of my pain

I can't bring myself to be productive, I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out

I'm stuck

Everything went left real quick

Hey guys, so it's been a while, a lot has happened since the last time I posted. I overdosed, got put on life support, got sent to a mental hospital and now i'm back home.

I will get into more detail in later posts but I just want to get back into writing this blog and be more transparent with my emotions.

I believe I am in a better place and this whole experience has showed me so much about the system and also about myself.

Thank you to everyone who has kept supporting my content while I've been absent!

My Suicide Attempt Story

Last year I opened up for the first time about my suicide attempt a few years ago. Shortly after posting this video I attempted to commit suicide 2-3 times. I originally started making YouTube videos as a way to avoid thinking about my problems. This wasn't a good idea as I became extremely obsessed with finding ways to avoid thinking about my feelings. Once I had nothing to run to I became extremely depressed and hit rock bottom. I've never been someone to open up about my feelings which is usually why I go downhill so fast. I found that this video helped everyone but me.

I came up with a series on my channel called 'No Secrets' the series included personal stories about things I have experienced with mental health and also experiences which have caused me great pain. I decided to do this series as a way to help both me and others. Being someone who is so private it is so easy to let everything bottle up inside and I did not want to do that anymore. Some might ask w…

When life gives you lemons...

So today has been quite an upsetting day, I was supposed to get paid from work today however that never happened. My work place has also given me no response as to why I haven't been paid leaving me to feel very hopeless and frightened. Unable to pay my rent, buy groceries or pay my bills, I'm genuinely praying for a miracle.

Having anxiety makes situations like this very nerve wrecking, I went from being unable to sleep to feeling as though my mind and my body were in two different realms. Have you ever been in this situation before?

I have spent my whole entire day informing my landlord I won't be able to pay rent, chasing up my managers and also wanting to jumps out of a window. As you can tell I don't handle things very well. I am someone who truly enjoys planning and structure so when things don't go to plan I don't know how to handle myself or life. I really don't know what to do but I'm believing in God and I am praying he will make the imposs…

My Truth

I am a victim or shall I say a survivor of child sexual abuse.

I believe it started before I was 5 and it happened numerous times by a number of people. I don't want to get into too much detail as I don't want to trigger anyone. Being abused has had an huge affect on my life in regards to my mental health, relationships and self esteem.

Being black, being African, being me, I don't really see anyone like me opening up about child abuse or mental health. I'm sure I'm not the only one but sometimes I feel like it.

I've been told in order to overcome I have to forget and put everything behind me. However, I always feel like I am then I feel a hole in my heart that I can't explain, that occurs randomly.

Though I was abused I wouldn't say I had a bad child hood. If you looked at me you'd never think I was experiencing the horrible things I went through. I guess it happened so many times I believed this is what people do when they love you. I read a lot …

Motions

Yesterday was an amazing day I was very happy and I kept getting good news all day. However, I've noticed that today I woke up feeling emotionless. I'm not sad or happy I'm just me.

Does anyone feel like this after being happy? I feel like I'm unable to process the emotions that have been felt for the past few hours and that's crazy. I guess I've always been this way.

I hate feeling like I don't have any control over my emotions. I feel like I'm not in control of my self and that doesn't sit right with me. The mind is very powerful.

Nonetheless, I have had a productive day. I did laundry, cleaned my room and the flat and made sure I ate.

- Jacq